Through the professor's eyes. Photo: Claremont Colleges Digital Library
It’s a new school year and we are flooded with awesome things your college professors are saying. So take a break from your study session, put down that textbook, sit back and enjoy this compilation of hilarious things college professors say.
“Don’t you guys wish this was Hogwarts? You could call me professor, we could be learning magic, i would tell you to turn to page 394, and you guys can sneak around at night.” - twilightfangirl‘s Biology Professor
“The mind will only comprehend what the ass can endure.” - krazykitsune‘s Speech Professor
”Hitler would turn in his grave with all the people here [Germany]” - xlivinglaughinglovingx‘s German Professor
“Beer is qualified nourishment in Germany.” - xlivinglaughinglovingx‘s German Professor
“Does water mix with alcohol? YES, water mixes with alcohol. You should all have some experience with this.” - sydney9999‘s professor
“The problem with Chemistry is that atoms are so damn small!” - lysserss‘s Chemistry Professor
“The day you start caring about your grades is the day you stop learning. A card of excellence is just a piece of paper. It will rot. But the knowledge you get because you wanted to learn—that’s yours forever, or you could pass it on.” - A UPM Professor
“Because that’s what life is. A big experiment in and of itself.” - fistfulxofxglitter‘s Physics Professor
“Since we got in here and started talking about philosophy, a million people have died… We have to stop doing this!” - collegeactuallysucks‘s Philosophy Professor
“If you don’t know, let’s have google tell us!” - katemcgowanyay‘s Math Professor
“Yes A&B are just symbols. I’m purposefully trying to not use anything from the periodic table. Wait, B is on the periodic table. DAMMIT.” - angryarabrants‘s Chemistry Professor
“The best thing an English major can have is a dirty mind.” - seguesessions‘s English Professor
“I’m going to go home, take a Percocet, watch HGTV’s “Design Star,” and sit on my ass!” - the-final-fifteen‘s Biology Professor’s reason class was dismissed early
“Depression and anxiety go together. They’re like roommates.” - legallyblindobservations‘s Psychopathology Professor
“Baseball! You know baseball; where they jam-pack two minutes of action into four hours…” - innovativeurl‘s Chemistry Professor
“People used to say that my grandmother could tell you to go to hell and you’d look forward to the trip.” - secrettohappinessis‘s Adolescence Psychology Professor
“Had a student tell me they respect me for following Bushido. Loved it after they read ‘Sun the Who.’ Art of War by Dr. Seuss evidently.” - heydearjenna‘s English Professor
Care to add to the list?
So I keep a running list of mine:
An English professor: Read your papers out loud to somebody who doesn’t love you in a blind fashion. You know I’ve had lots of students over the years say, “My mother said this was really good!” “Well, good, that’s nice, it’s kind of a D right now.” “What? My mother lied to me?” “Your mother loves you, okay? Your mother doesn’t want to hurt your delicate feelings, I do.”
During a discussion in my “Genocide” class:
Student: The President [Bush] did what he thought was best for the country.
Professor: Hitler did what he thought was best for the country.
The behaviorism professor introducing myself and the other aide to his class: “The reason these two are my aides is because they both took this class and actually liked it.”
“We are going to start the shortest chapter in the book, and when I’m done with you, it is going to be the hardest chapter in the book.” –Laws of Evidence professor during the chapter on hearsay evidence
Discussion with the criminal justice professor I had “Criminal Investigation” and “Serial & Mass Murder” from:
Professor: I have more trust in you than I think you have in yourself.
Me: That I could do something [great] or that I could be a master in trouble making like you?
Professor: Both. I would trust you to rule the world.
“If you have a good case, argue the facts. If you have a circumstantial case, argue the law. If you have no case, call the other attorney names.” –Laws of Evidence professor
“Street-wise people will know how to keep their trap shut, the rest will talk.” –Laws of Evidence professor
“They don’t admit bodies in the courtroom. They don’t roll in the body and say touch him, he’s cold.” –Laws of Evidence professor
Teresa, these are fantastic! I love that you keep a rolling tab of the amusing things you professors say. Thanks for contributing!
I’m going to start keeping a list because my professors are always saying awesome stuff. One that sticks out right now is one of my English professors a few weeks ago. She said, “Not everything that is longer than it is wide is phallic.” Cracked up the whole class.
I am a lecturer and I know that students laugh at some of the things I say (even when I did not intend them to be funny). I just wish that I could remember some of them!
It’s true, Rosa! In my public speaking there will be times when the class laughs when it doesn’t seem funny. Laughter sure is engaging, so we’ll take it!
Please do, Ashley! We’d love to hear the awesome things your professors are saying. That’s great, thanks for sharing.
My polisci professor: “I don’t want to see anyone texting in my class. It creeps me out. You all think you’re being secretive, but really, you just look like you’re masturbating. I mean, who else looks at their crotch and smiles?”
Alexandra, have you seen the quote on Pinterest about texting and smiling at their crotch? It’s very similar to your professor’s comment. http://weknowawesome.com/2011/10/12/caught-smiling-at-your-crotch/