Sometimes college professors say the funniest things. One of your favorite back to school activities may be listening to awesome things that your college professors have to say. If you have a cool college professor, you’ve likely heard things that have made you laugh like…
- “Don’t cheat in this class, you will fail this course and then you will die.” The first words of my class this morning. That woke me up. - Audrey
- “Our professor strapped a teletubby to a bouncy ball to show us how we can only view a certain part of the sky from different places on earth. Gotta love Discovering the Universe.” - Jessica Banks
- “In Kingship, I am the king. I love you. You love me…..we’re a happy family.” - Deecue‘s Government Teacher
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“Yesterday, my Math 1B GSI (Graduate Student Instructor) compared integration by parts to pirates and ninjas.” - feendaffaire
- “It may seem a silly reason to go to war, but put it in modern terms. Imagine if Michelle Obama ran off with Kim Jong Il. That would be….God that would be so weird…” - rycitycentral‘s Literature as Art professor on the Torjan War
- “I’m in intermediate microeconomics. My professor is using Harry, Ron, and Hermione as examples of different levels of productivity.” - theycallmeaviendha
- “So Harriet Tubman was — that was my hip by the way. I didn’t just fart in front of you guys.” - talkingshrimp‘s History teacher
- “Dear Students, Please consider using our office hours as an opportunity to learn. It feels lonely sitting in my office when nobody shows-up.” - confusedquark‘s Logic Systems professor
- “You’ve never seen Mickey Mouse stop a dialogue sequence to groom himself. But real mice WILL do that.” - nashhha‘s Neuropsychology professor
- “In today’s class, my professor said she would give anything in the world for two minutes to be in the mind of her cat.” - xphosho’s Professor
- “Student: Is there a participation grade?
Professor: No, I think that only rewards the bullsh!tters that drone on and on and on.” - yaej‘s Ethics and International Relations Class - “What the hell is wrong with you guys? Why the hell are you depressed? Barely in your 20s! Be happy! You are young, beautiful, handsome, brainy, you have the world at your finger tips! These are your golden years. It is beautiful in this world; California weather, eh? God has blessed us! Be happy!” - arrajane‘s Professor Spyridakis
- “I’d like to live with Bill Murray.” - bccrayolamakher‘s Composition professor
- “If you haven’t found the textbook yet you guys might also want to try Wal-mart.com.” - fornowjustcarryon‘s professor
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“Facebook is the Internet meat market.” - lizshutterbug‘s professor, Dr. Phillips
- “I just wish I was younger. You wouldn’t be sitting there looking so complicated.” - casenpoint‘s professor Billy Turner
- “Facebook makes me feel like a pervy, voyeuristic old man and I don’t allow it in my class. However, if YOU have an addiction and needs to check it every 30 seconds, just put up your hands and explain to me and I will excuse you outside to check your Facebook or porn or whatever it is you need to do.” - anniesapphire‘s professor
- “Toast is appropriate for any meal.” - fistflight‘s Psychology of Gender professor
- “Citing yourself in a paper is like intellectual masturbation.” - witty-’s writing professor
- “I will expect at least a few anecdotes of sledding on unusual objects…” - fistflight‘s poetry professor
- “And those who didn’t agree with the Federalists were the Antifederalists. Obviously they got to choose their name second.” - cdberrios‘s Poli Sci professor
- “In chemistry something is always taking and the other is always giving. Kind of like life I guess.” - withendlesslove‘s Organic Chemistry professor
- “There are no strobe lights in heaven.” - zspoons‘ Philosophy Professor’s argument against heaven
- “If you’re dumb enough to buy it, you’re dumb enough to live with it.” - gatornicole‘s Finance professor
- “The truth is not democratic, but being right won’t keep you from being burnt at the stake.” -Commenter Dan’s Statics professor Dave Erb at UNC Asheville. Delivered after all but 3 students in the class answered a question incorrectly.
Care to add to the list?
PS: If you want the hilarity to continue, check out Awesome Things College Professors Say Part II and Awesome Things College Professors Say Part III.
“Education is not a *$@%ing guessing game” -said by my ethics professor
Well that would definitely get my attention in class! Thanks for sharing
My cell bio professor: “Think of the pores like the big eye in the Death Star. No, wait, that’s a stupid metaphor, that was a giant laser beam.”
Isn’t that refreshing when professors can admit that something that came out of their mouth was less than fantastic? Love it!
“One cell says to the other…”I lost an electron!” The other cell replies, “Are you sure?!?!” The first then says, “I’m positive!”
“you might want to cover your ears, or you don’t if you really want. This is ‘Amurica’ after all” -chemistry professor warning us before a combustion demonstration.
“This gives rise to water’s weird-ass properties.” -Dr. Schmeltzer, Gen Chem @ UNC-A
“Here’s ANOTHER example. God, I’ve just got sh!tloads of examples.” -Dr. Schmeltzer
“So, that’s basically all about me. I’m sure you can read more about me on ‘myprofessorsucks.com’ or something.” -Dr. Dohse @ UNC-A, First day of Stats
On the first day of my ethics class, the professor came in right on time, then led the entire class in singing the Spongebob Squarepants theme song. Clearly some of the students had experienced this before, and were quite ready.
Seriously?! That would be completely unexpected to hear the Spongebob Squarepants theme song led by your professor! Thanks for sharing, Dan.
Alex, I love that you have a rolling tab already of hilarious things your professor says. Thanks for sharing!
It’s funny how your professor is quick to make sure everyone feels like they have their American rights
Thanks T-Dawg!
“A sneeze is just basically a nasal orgasm.” -My Psych 101 professor
“We are going to play a little game. It is called Mind Fk.” Spanish Language Pedagogy Professor.
I guess this is why people love major’s like poli sci and marketing, because your professor don’t have to actually prove they know what their talking about and you still feel like you’re learning something from an authority on the subject.
When discussing Laplace transformations on the exam my professor told us, “Anyone who misuses this property on the exam will get zero credit. Actually, negative credit, where I’ll take points off other problems.” And I don’t think he’s kidding..
Many years ago, in a class called “The Present Predicament of Mankind”, Professor Josef Fox said, “Life is made up of four stages. We are born, we grown up, we screw, we die”.
And one more from Professor Josef Fox in “Present Predicament of Mankind”: “In a few years, I will retire. Sometime after that I will die of old age. But you poor bastards are going to burn!”
My Calculus 101 professor at Physics Eng. Dept. told us that in the first year you will listen, at second year you will understand and finally at the third year you will pass. Unfortunately he was right, it took my 3 years to pass…
At Electronics lab, a professor asked, what are the color of electrons in the cathode ray tube?
Three years to pass Calculus 101?! It would probably take me three tries as well. Wow!
I’ve never heard of a professor giving negative credit — he must have really been serious. Thanks for sharing, Daisy!
The Present Predicament of Mankind sounds like a really interesting class. The order of the four stages are sometimes followed in a slightly different order, but #1 and #4 are pretty consistent.
That would definitely get everyone’s attention! Profanity has that effect. Thanks for sharing, Jac.
I was tutoring an English student and happened to glance at what her professor wrote on her paper, “You need to expand and explain in more detail. You’ re still being a fluffy square and that will not get you a good grade in my class.”
Wow! That’s some tough love. Hopefully she was able to take your prof’s advice to improve. Thanks for sharing, Lizzy.
Color Drawing professor at the Savannah College of Art and Design to another student: “That’s a terrible drawing, kill yourself.”
Ouch! Don’t expect encouragement from that professor! How did the student respond? Thanks for sharing, Madeline!
“I have ways of figuring out if you sign your absent friend’s name on the assignment sheet. If you do, I’ll write nasty things about you on every bathroom stall on campus. Then, when I say my prayers at night, I’ll pray that you burn in Hell. Don’t do it.” - My public relations professor
When my organic chem professor tried to explain why noble gases don’t make chemical bonds, he said: “Two fat men have a hard time kissing.”
(During a presentation on historic costume, a painting of a nude woman at home) Female professor says: “Well isn’t that postmodern! Do any of you do housework in the nude? You don’t? I do! My Keith just loves when I do housework in the nude.”
(Same professor, different day) “I used to have mimosas at all my student gatherings, but then I realized that not all my students were of age”
That’s quite the visual, your college professor doing housework in the nude! Thanks for sharing, Derrick.
That’s one way to explain it so everyone will understand! Love it, thanks for sharing Phil.
Some professors really have to threaten to ensure their students don’t do something. Do you think it’s made a difference? Thanks for sharing, Ashley!
Bio-Politics Professor and Michigan allum after entertaining comments from a strongly pro-creationist student and comments on male vs. female evolutionary make-up as to the utility of their appendages: “Look at the circumference of my hand, it’s the right diameter to pick up a cold-one.”
“I have a nanny, a chef, a chauffeur, and a prostitute in my house who takes all my money; however, I normally just refer to her as my wife.” -Dr. Walker; Sociology Professor.
Brianna, this is hysterical! So glad you shared your Sociology Professor’s quote. We’ll have to add it to our next edition.
Dr Thain: “Technically there’s no such thing as a semi-permeable membrane”
Me: “But sir, it says so in the textbook and the syllabus”
Dr Thain: “Yes, that’s all bollocks chaps”
My teacher in art made us sing “bananas in pajamas” if we were late. It was the best way to make students arrive on time i’ve ever encountered.
My College Math teachers’ words of wisdom after I told him I was getting married in a few weeks. “The night before your wedding, or day of, wash your face with your own urine. No, I’m serious it’s great for your skin; you will be GLOWING!” (Then he went on to talk about the benefits of urine for an hour)
“I’m never going to ask you for a date…that’s called sexual harassment.” - my favorite history professor on the first day of EVERY course he teaches. (High Point University)
My English teacher, about a vote we took in class: “In my kind of democracy, called fascism, the minority wins.”
Also, My Bio teacher, on a spirit day during homecoming week, where my entire year is supposed to wear white (and some people forgot and wore black): “Look at all these black people. They’re not allowed…they should leave.”
“like sex… math is all about the angles”
“So let’s get back to smoking pot” - My sociology professor when we were talking about social deviance and the pros and cons of smoking marijuana…
“Shakespeare did not write - for YOU.” (English prof)
“It’s hard to be sultry when you’re not in tune.” (chorale director)
Love your chorale director’s comment! Master singing in pitch first, then you can integrate the sultry
Thanks, Kathy.
That’s fantastic! Thanks for sharing, Carolyn.
Way to bite the bullet and get that out of the way from the get go! High Point University — that’s run by Nido Qubein, correct? He is a phenomenal leader and speaker! Thanks for sharing, Harris.
When talking about the high women to men ratio during Roman times, my first-year seminar professor said, “So men would have their women locked up in their houses so the other men could not even sniff her from a distance… Sorry I was thinking about dogs…”
Thanks for sharing, xth! Did the men really lock their wives up during Roman times?
“Computers are either witchcraft or a Communist plot.” - my Stage Makeup teacher, may he rest in peace
I love it when people from previous generations talk about technology cryptically. Thanks for sharing, Shanna.
At the end of the first day of my class about the problems with higher education and ways to fix it, my professor apologizes for “swearing so much, as I get really fired up about this topic. If it bothers you, let me know, and I’ll try to cut back. But it’s not like I’m making f*$%ing dick jokes up here.”